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February 01, 2007

post-partum crotch care 101

Over the years, my friend Mrs. Defective Yeti (a.k.a. The Queen) and I have enjoyed a very uncomplicated, straight-shootin’ relationship. She is a scientist; I am a fan of The Sciences. My husband has been known to pee in the streets; she considers this to be an endearing quality. I sing my one Madonna song at karaoke bars; she does not throw drinks at me or write bad words on napkins and hold them up during my performance.

Three and a half years ago, I gave birth to my first child just a few months before she was due to give birth to hers. Being a scientist, she was wisely conducting some research into the whole “motherhood” thing. What I told her at the time was basically this: “Listen sister, screw the pastel teddy bears and the duckie onesies. You can live without them. What you are going to need and need hard is a Crotch Care kit.” Somehow, in all of my own pregnancy/birth/baby research, I never saw any mention of “Oh by the way, your crotch will get totally blown out and you’ll be unable to sit, lie down, pee, or take a bath without fainting from pain because babies? They are pretty big and crotches? Not so much. DO THE MATH, LADIES.” I felt it my duty to warn her.

Fortunately, my mother was with us after we brought the Bean home from the hospital and, after scooping my shaking body off the floor and depositing me in two inches of tepid bathwater while I sobbed and bled, she sped to Walgreens to assemble a last-minute Crotch Care kit.

For those of you with babies in you that will soon need to come out, I heartily recommend purchasing the following items prior to the Big Event:

Crotch Care Kit
• Ice pack
• Frozen peas (very moldable and afterwards; a nutritious snack! Just kidding about the snack part. I think, I can’t remember.)
• Heating pad
• Aloe vera gel with Lidocaine (Best stuff ever)
• Cotton squares to apply above-mentioned magic gel (not balls, squares! They hold their form better. Unlike your crotch.)
• Dermoplast Pain Relieving spray (Also good. So squirty! So instantaneous!)
• Peri-bottle (the hospital will give you this as a parting gift)
• Witch hazel (um, what is witch hazel, anyway? Weird. Cool name, though)
• Waterproof donut-shaped pillow (for the bath; they have them at drugstores. Now you know: congratulations!)
• Medicated pre-moistened wipes (you can guess what these are for)
• Boppy (for your bum when sitting, not for the babe)
• The most gigantic maxi pads you can find. Maaaaxxxiiii Padzzzz
• Your pain meds. The Queen wanted me to mention that she forgot hers at the hospital and in the relentless and bleary fog of new parenthood, it slipped her mind that the very science she holds so dear to her heart could help her with her maladies. With drugs.

There you have it, one more crotch-related post for the people.

I began writing this post with the intention of mentioning the delightful (and practical!) gifties that the Queen sent via mail, but already it's too long and now The Office is on TV. You have this, then, to look forward to (or not) within upcoming days: Intro to Boobs as Food. And I don’t mean these.

Posted by Max at February 1, 2007 08:58 PM


Yikes! One more thing, then, to add to the shopping list. I have a sneaking suspicion that they don't have this on the shelf at Babies 'R' Us though. Thanks for the list.

Posted by: Mike Liu at February 3, 2007 02:54 PM

Sooooooooooo true. You gotta patent that name lady and sell that stuff in a kit. You'd make a killing.

Posted by: tracey at February 20, 2007 07:15 PM

Wow. This is GOLDEN. Moms-to-be take heed. You will WORSHIP this woman when you're home with your Crotch Care Kit.

Posted by: freereid04 at April 11, 2007 10:32 PM