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February 23, 2006

frankenbaby

Two nights ago, my kid was wrasslin' with his dad in our guest bedroom and did a flying leap from the bed straight into the same fricking metal table that split his face open last year and again split his face open. Because I had seen this particular injury before, I was strangely in control of the situation and this time it was my husband wandering around in a daze, turning lights on and off and looking for his hat (?!) while our kid lost pints and pints of blood on the floor. Another difference between face injury one and face injury two was that this time we had a puppy trying to lick the blood off the floor and the face while the Bean screamed and bled. Bad dog!

In the past, the sight of my child's blood has made me quite woozy but I was doing real well this time UNTIL the very young doctor was stitching Bean's head up and there was blood spraying the walls and the Bean's arms had been swaddled tight to his body and he was sob-hissing "MOMMY MOMMY HELP ME HELP ME". That was a real sanity tester and they almost lost me there. The doctor was quite deferential to me through it all, saying things like "How's Mom doing?" and leading me by my elbow to spots where I wouldn't be able to see my child's gaping wound. I found this at once annoying and slightly endearing. Because sure enough! I did almost pass right the hee-haw out.

Prior to this event, we were in Seattle where when the rental car company offered a free upgrade from a Chevy Trailblazer to a Hummer, my husband said hell yes. We had visions of renting hookers and driving our whole sordid clan up to our friends' Bellingham wedding because I think they might have liked that. However, one thing people don't like in Seattle is Hummers. It was interesting to see people's reactions because it's basically like driving around in a car that says "I'm a big asshole" on the side. I would forget we were driving a Hummer and some hippy would be glaring at us from a street corner and I'd be like "?" but then I would realize oh yeah, we're in a Hummer! My husband said he got the finger twice, and one of our friends wouldn't even cross the street to say hello to us when he saw what we were pimping.

One nice thing about Hummers: kitties enjoy sleeping on them.

Posted by Max at 10:32 PM | Comments (2)

February 06, 2006

buddy can you spare some sauce?

Is your city’s former mayor in prison? Well, ok, but does he have his own marinara sauce? I didn’t think so. Our friend and native Providencian KP came by for our massive yet ultimately disappointing due to some Seahawk butt-crushing Superbowl party. She kindly brought with her the gift of mayoral tomato sauce. Sadly, the label was somewhat torn, thus limiting its potential resale value on eBay. Looks like it is eggplant parmigiana ala Cianci for us this week!

In case your wondering what’s new in the world of things I hate, I’m here to provide an update. Numbers one and two on the list are some recent commercials. Number one: a Pizza Hut ad with Jessica Simpson singing “These nuggets are made for snacking” or something along those lines to the tune of you-know-what song and she is referring to some nasty, tricked out pizza with cheese-filled tumors around its perimeter. When I think of what the creative meeting(s) must have been like to put that ad together, I want to lie on the floor and have buckets of marinara cover me until I myself turn into a tumor-riddled pizza. The other ad also involves a re-written pop song, but this one is for cold sore medication and now I can’t frigging remember the song but let’s just say it was “Good Vibrations” and a cartoon mouth has a big cartoon cold sore and is singing “Oooo stop stop” at the chorus and the future of humanity crumbles before my eyes and lays in smoking ruins.

Another medicinal-related peeve is when products are named really specifically for whatever ailment it is they treat but also made to seem vaguely Latin. Like “Varicose Veinatracin” or “Moistenex”. If you’re going to produce an ointment, just call it what it is and be done with it.

With Valentine’s Day coming up, I should also probably mention some things that I love. I am oddly transfixed by the show “The Girls Next Door”. Recently, my husband was on the computer looking up Hints from Heloise about stain removal while I was monologuing about which of Hef’s girlfriends was the best*. Our Stepford induction is obviously still in progress.

* I really can’t decide! They all have different strengths.

I’m taking voice lessons, which I am enjoying quite a bit. My teacher is a little bit younger than me and a trained opera singer. She’s promised me that she’s planning on taking some of her students out for karaoke. One thing I’ve noticed that doesn’t go over really well here on the EC: self-effacing humor. For instance, when the 50ish fellow voice student comes in for her lesson, which is right after yours, don’t liken the situation to American Idol and say that you feel sorry for the teacher having to listen to all the bad singers. Because it kind of comes out like, maybe she has a bad voice when what you meant was YOU did! That lady will get so miffed! Even though you have never heard her sing, so what the hell?

Lastly, we are going to Seattle in three days for our friends' wedding. This fact I love.

Posted by Max at 09:12 AM | Comments (0)